Cucumber Chris was born on a vine
His poor mother's health was in a decline
His father was part of a cucumber gang
He spoke not English but cucumber slang
His mother wished for him a much better life
His current lifestyle was filled with strife
She sent him away to a far safer place
Hoping he would find a life that was ace
Now Cucumber Chris was a kind-hearted lad
Though he had not the looks of his mum or his dad
His complexion was flawed,
His nose far too broad
(His greeny-grey head appeared slightly gnawed)
So anyway back to the safe place we go,
(What happens in the fruit bowl you already know)
Cucumber Chris was both awed and feared
His spectacular ugliness kind of revered
And now we must come to his lady love
A beautiful guava who called herself dove
I know you'll be hoping she looked past his flaws
That his nice personality would give her pause...
But Chris was like, really ugly.
So anyway as i was saying before,
His little cucumber heart out she tore
So Cucumber Chris, he thought to himself
what must i do to redeem myself?
He thought and he thought- he was thinking for days
Until he did find the best of ways
He took out his gun
And shot everyone.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Monday, 20 June 2011
Stu. The Apple.
There once was an apple.
His name was Stu.
Bruised and man-handled (and burrowed into)
He lived in a fruit-bowl,
With other fruits.
His social calendar really was moot.
Strawberries pitied him-
Oranges too!
Pineapples with him wished nothing to do.
Stu's only real chum
Was his roommate...
A wormy fellow who helped him lose weight.
Meanwhile in Morrisons,
In the fruit aisle,
Lived a cool mango, who was named Kyle
Into the fruit bowl
(Kyle was thrown)
Maybe our hero was not all alone.
Round him swarmed berries
Peaches, grapes... galore!
Stu kept his distance (not wishing to bore)
But Kyle was a mango.
And as mangoes go...
He was a groovy one, so he said "Yo!"
Stu looked around him
Confused by the word
Could it be sounds of true friendship he heard?
Kyle came over,
He spoke to the fruits!
His speech was inspiring (worthy of flutes)
"Friends of the Fruit Bowl,
Please mark my words!
Next to this apple, you all are nerds!
Stu is not perfect
He is rather bruised
His outsides manhandled, his insides abused
But all is not lost,
An apple like him
Shouldn't be hated- not just on a whim!
I have a motto
Goes something like this:
......At least Stu looks better than Cucumber Chris!"
From that day onwards
The Fruits were inspired
They did not judge Stuart for looking so tired
As for Chris Cucumber....
Let's face it.
Poor bastard is fucked.
But all is not lost,
An apple like him
Shouldn't be hated- not just on a whim!
I have a motto
Goes something like this:
......At least Stu looks better than Cucumber Chris!"
From that day onwards
The Fruits were inspired
They did not judge Stuart for looking so tired
As for Chris Cucumber....
Let's face it.
Poor bastard is fucked.
Monday, 4 April 2011
Aberdonian Antics
BEING DUTCH IS NOT ENOUGH. NOT IN INTERNATIONAL BANKING.
When I walk down the hall in my Grandparents house, the walls are lined with dead person after dead person just....staring at me. Is that the same with everyone? It freaks me out.
I bought some socks today. But do not be mistaken, they are not just ANY old socks. They have BAKED BEANS on them. A pair with BAKED BEANS and a pair with JELLY BEANS. I know, I know, you WISH you had my socks.
Ah, Grans and their conspiracy theories. Mine, for example, believes that the people at PC world are out to get us all. She was awfully rude to Jason and lets not even mention Tom, who was impossibly charming and who bore an uncanny resemblance to Michael McIntyre. He was like a far less annoying and much more computer savvy version of him.
PLEASE do not have your five a day.
If we all ate our five a day, 7000 fewer people in the UK would die from heart disease every year. A further 4,700 from cancer and 3,400 from stroke. Yeah that'd be great in a perfect world, but what about the coffin companies? The funeral people places and the organ players (and organ receivers)? And don't even get me started on the queues we'd have. We're just better off without those 15,100 people. We'll miss them sure but c'mon, they've overstayed their welcome here.
And now for a book review;
"The Soap Man" By Roger Hutchinson.
An excerpt from this inspirational Biography: "They are modest remembrances of the fathers of these enduring townships, but they are more than was ever anticipated. Such address to the people of Lewis, were looking for no testimonial and had in prospect no reward other than this: the security of their children's children at peace on the soil of their island."
A quote from a delighted reader of The Soap Man: "I've never read anything this boring in my life. 5 STARS!" -Kriz McGiz
That's not much of a reward, the security of their children's children, is it? I mean what if they never have children? Or their children and their partners decide they want to lead the kind of lifestyle parents can't have- with lots of holidays and stuff, and have a childless marriage? And even if they DID have kids, who then had kids, would this "Soap man" reeeeally care about them?? I'm sure they'd be great people and all but he will never actually get to know them so he can, in good conscience, damn their future, safe in the knowledge that he'll be tucked up in his coffin long before these hypothetical children can complain about it. Finally, it says "on the soil of their island" BUT WHAT IF THEY MOVE? There's really not much happening in Lewis these days and Glasgow is lovely this time of year.
I recently rediscovered some old Spanish sayings, and they are rather funny so I thought I'd share them with you:
-The expression for "Something ain't right in Spanish" is: "Hay un gato encerrado aqui." (Someone has buried a cat here...)
- He's a bit weird is "Tiene pajaros en su cabeza" (He has bats in his brain.... or bird brain)
- In trouble is "Entre la pared y la espada" (Between the sword and the wall... can be used for all occasions)
- As white as a sheet is "Blanco como una pared" (White as a wall- WHAT IF YOUR WALL IS YELLOW??)
I also rediscovered some old report cards from primary school, and there was one thing in particular that made me laugh.
P.E: "Cara really enjoys and excells in P.E lessons and always participates with enthusiasm." "Cara enjoys P.E and works well in groups." And the best one: "Cara takes great enjoyment out of P.E and can jump and land safely"
I regret to inform you I lost my jumping skills, now when I land there's no telling what will happen....
The report card from P4 also says that my age is "8.9" which is a little strange.
I'm also less than happy to tell you that as I write this there is a photo of a middle aged bald man staring at me. In fact, he's everywhere! There's three pictures of him! I'm getting out of here....
When I walk down the hall in my Grandparents house, the walls are lined with dead person after dead person just....staring at me. Is that the same with everyone? It freaks me out.
I bought some socks today. But do not be mistaken, they are not just ANY old socks. They have BAKED BEANS on them. A pair with BAKED BEANS and a pair with JELLY BEANS. I know, I know, you WISH you had my socks.
Ah, Grans and their conspiracy theories. Mine, for example, believes that the people at PC world are out to get us all. She was awfully rude to Jason and lets not even mention Tom, who was impossibly charming and who bore an uncanny resemblance to Michael McIntyre. He was like a far less annoying and much more computer savvy version of him.
PLEASE do not have your five a day.
If we all ate our five a day, 7000 fewer people in the UK would die from heart disease every year. A further 4,700 from cancer and 3,400 from stroke. Yeah that'd be great in a perfect world, but what about the coffin companies? The funeral people places and the organ players (and organ receivers)? And don't even get me started on the queues we'd have. We're just better off without those 15,100 people. We'll miss them sure but c'mon, they've overstayed their welcome here.
And now for a book review;
"The Soap Man" By Roger Hutchinson.
An excerpt from this inspirational Biography: "They are modest remembrances of the fathers of these enduring townships, but they are more than was ever anticipated. Such address to the people of Lewis, were looking for no testimonial and had in prospect no reward other than this: the security of their children's children at peace on the soil of their island."
A quote from a delighted reader of The Soap Man: "I've never read anything this boring in my life. 5 STARS!" -Kriz McGiz
That's not much of a reward, the security of their children's children, is it? I mean what if they never have children? Or their children and their partners decide they want to lead the kind of lifestyle parents can't have- with lots of holidays and stuff, and have a childless marriage? And even if they DID have kids, who then had kids, would this "Soap man" reeeeally care about them?? I'm sure they'd be great people and all but he will never actually get to know them so he can, in good conscience, damn their future, safe in the knowledge that he'll be tucked up in his coffin long before these hypothetical children can complain about it. Finally, it says "on the soil of their island" BUT WHAT IF THEY MOVE? There's really not much happening in Lewis these days and Glasgow is lovely this time of year.
I recently rediscovered some old Spanish sayings, and they are rather funny so I thought I'd share them with you:
-The expression for "Something ain't right in Spanish" is: "Hay un gato encerrado aqui." (Someone has buried a cat here...)
- He's a bit weird is "Tiene pajaros en su cabeza" (He has bats in his brain.... or bird brain)
- In trouble is "Entre la pared y la espada" (Between the sword and the wall... can be used for all occasions)
- As white as a sheet is "Blanco como una pared" (White as a wall- WHAT IF YOUR WALL IS YELLOW??)
I also rediscovered some old report cards from primary school, and there was one thing in particular that made me laugh.
P.E: "Cara really enjoys and excells in P.E lessons and always participates with enthusiasm." "Cara enjoys P.E and works well in groups." And the best one: "Cara takes great enjoyment out of P.E and can jump and land safely"
I regret to inform you I lost my jumping skills, now when I land there's no telling what will happen....
The report card from P4 also says that my age is "8.9" which is a little strange.
I'm also less than happy to tell you that as I write this there is a photo of a middle aged bald man staring at me. In fact, he's everywhere! There's three pictures of him! I'm getting out of here....
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
WATCH OUT FOR VANESSA AND BRICK!!!
You may think you're careful enough... you might think you're safe.... you might even think you could fight them off. But you CAN'T. They are TOO STRONG.
They will find you, and they will eat your feet. They work together, Vanessa's the brains and Brick is the braun. If you're still unsure, just look for the two swans in sunglasses and headpieces.
IF you are stupid enough to walk right up to them, I find it's best not to do so in socks and pajamas at 5 in the morning when you are in a very excitable state and under the influence of Shark.
I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my arm of a shark swimming in a sea of shark (as in the drink), because I LOOOOVE shark. (Even though, really, that stuff should be illegal)
I recently discovered that my musical genius is always at its very best in the early hours of the morning. Is that just me? Or did everyone already know about this?
I've been doing the 30 day photo challenge for the past week or so, and one of the recent questions was "what do you wish you could forget" or something similar.....
Now, I didn't want to sound like an idiot so I said all the embarrassing things I've done over the years. That is completely untrue because first of all, some of the humiliating things I have done are incredibly funny in retrospect; and second of all, I wouldn't want to forget anything.
It's the good thing AND the bad things that make us who we are. When you are young and you burn your finger because you touched fire (yes, we've all done it), you learn NOT to touch fire anymore. Because lets face it, when someone tell you not to do something you just have to do it. And that is how you learn. Obviously, as you go through life it's less about touching fire and things are a little more complicated. Like, for example, the other day when I spilled tea on the carpet and it took me ages to get out. Now I know I probably shouldn't do that again. I feel like the experience really taught me something important about life.
"Wooden floors are more convenient if you are a tea drinker"
So I don't want to forget that I spilled that tea, I want to remember it forever. And then, someday, when I'm carpet shopping I'll sat to myself "CARA. What the jibber jab are you doing? It's a wooden floor you'll be wanting." And THAT, my friends is why I never want to forget anything- even the traumatic stuff like tea stains.
Finally, does ANYONE know who it is taking the pictures of planes in flight? It's creeping me out now....
They will find you, and they will eat your feet. They work together, Vanessa's the brains and Brick is the braun. If you're still unsure, just look for the two swans in sunglasses and headpieces.
IF you are stupid enough to walk right up to them, I find it's best not to do so in socks and pajamas at 5 in the morning when you are in a very excitable state and under the influence of Shark.
I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my arm of a shark swimming in a sea of shark (as in the drink), because I LOOOOVE shark. (Even though, really, that stuff should be illegal)
I recently discovered that my musical genius is always at its very best in the early hours of the morning. Is that just me? Or did everyone already know about this?
I've been doing the 30 day photo challenge for the past week or so, and one of the recent questions was "what do you wish you could forget" or something similar.....
Now, I didn't want to sound like an idiot so I said all the embarrassing things I've done over the years. That is completely untrue because first of all, some of the humiliating things I have done are incredibly funny in retrospect; and second of all, I wouldn't want to forget anything.
It's the good thing AND the bad things that make us who we are. When you are young and you burn your finger because you touched fire (yes, we've all done it), you learn NOT to touch fire anymore. Because lets face it, when someone tell you not to do something you just have to do it. And that is how you learn. Obviously, as you go through life it's less about touching fire and things are a little more complicated. Like, for example, the other day when I spilled tea on the carpet and it took me ages to get out. Now I know I probably shouldn't do that again. I feel like the experience really taught me something important about life.
"Wooden floors are more convenient if you are a tea drinker"
So I don't want to forget that I spilled that tea, I want to remember it forever. And then, someday, when I'm carpet shopping I'll sat to myself "CARA. What the jibber jab are you doing? It's a wooden floor you'll be wanting." And THAT, my friends is why I never want to forget anything- even the traumatic stuff like tea stains.
Finally, does ANYONE know who it is taking the pictures of planes in flight? It's creeping me out now....
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Chaquanda- The tale of a Black woman trapped in a White man's body.
So let me tell you about my best girlfriend in the world, Chaquanda. Basically, Quanda is a sassy Black woman trapped in a the body of a white man. We're hoping it'll all work out for her, because she is wasted as a white man.
You know what I really hate? When something exciting or distressing happens, and people tell me to "Breathe". I GENERALLY TEND TO BREATHE AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN, THANKYOU. If I ever find myself in a position where I have forgotten to breathe and need someone to remind me- You will be the first to know. But, for now, please do restrain yourself!
OOOOOH David Tennant is on comic relief!!!! Oh this has made my day. What an awful shirt though. Truly awful, David.
I was going to complain about braces for a while, but watching comic relief it all seems pretty trivial.
Doesn't everyone telling you NOT to drink the water just make you want to drink it??? No? Just me? Okay....
Weeell, that's all I really have to say to y'all. I promised an AMAZING friend of mine i would post a little conversation we had earlier so here's that, don't read it if you don't like boring things:
Me: THANKYOUUUU BABEY BBBZ AWWW THANKS!!!
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: ITS AWRITE BABEZZZZ <33333333
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: YOU CAN GET A TROPHY THAT SAYS "YOU ARE SOOOOO SWEET BB!!" COZ THATS WHAT U R!!! <333333333333 Xxxxxxxxxx
You know what I really hate? When something exciting or distressing happens, and people tell me to "Breathe". I GENERALLY TEND TO BREATHE AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN, THANKYOU. If I ever find myself in a position where I have forgotten to breathe and need someone to remind me- You will be the first to know. But, for now, please do restrain yourself!
OOOOOH David Tennant is on comic relief!!!! Oh this has made my day. What an awful shirt though. Truly awful, David.
I was going to complain about braces for a while, but watching comic relief it all seems pretty trivial.
Doesn't everyone telling you NOT to drink the water just make you want to drink it??? No? Just me? Okay....
Weeell, that's all I really have to say to y'all. I promised an AMAZING friend of mine i would post a little conversation we had earlier so here's that, don't read it if you don't like boring things:
Me: THANKYOUUUU BABEY BBBZ AWWW THANKS!!!
Me: AWWWWW *BREAKS DOWN SOBBING* THTS SOOOOOOOOOOO SWEEEET!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333 ♥ :DDDDDDD
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NIIIIICE FOR U!!!!! :'''''''''))))))))))))) <33333333
Me: AWWWWW I CANT BELIEVE THT AWWWWW NICE THATS AWWWW SO SWEEEET I LOVE THAT YOU DID THAT FOR ME I LOVE THIS THING YOU'RE DOING. LOTS OF LOVE I AM LOVING THIS. <33333333333333 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: AWWWWWWWW I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THAT!!!! YOURE SOOOO AMAZIN BABZ!!!!!!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me: AWWWWWW YOU TOOOOO BBZ I JUST WANA MAKE YOU A TROPHY THAT SAYS: "YOU ARE SOOOOOOO AMAZING BBY" CUS YOU AREEEE AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE A TROPHY THAT SAYS IT FOR PROOF <3333333333333333333333333 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: YOU CAN GET A TROPHY THAT SAYS "YOU ARE SOOOOO SWEET BB!!" COZ THATS WHAT U R!!! <333333333333 Xxxxxxxxxx
Me: AWWWWW IM GNA POST THIS CONVO TO MY BLOG BECAUSE THAT IS HOW UNBELIEVABLY SWEEEEET AND AMAAAAZING YOU ARE. INFACT IM GNA WRITE YOU A SONG ABOUT YOU BEING SO DAMN AMAZING!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: OMG I CANT BELIEVE HOW SWEET U R!!!! YOU ARE JUST AMAZIN!!!!!! :'))) <3333333333333333333333 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me: OMYGGGGG THIS IS THE SONG:
"***'S SO AMAZING
SHE'S KINDA LIKE RAISINS
I WISH I COULD KEEP HER IN A JAAAAAR
AND THEN I COULD SHAKE IT WHEN SHE WAS
MEEEAAAAN
AND THEN WE'D BOTH SAY SORRY
AND THEN... LALA LALAAAA"
SHE'S KINDA LIKE RAISINS
I WISH I COULD KEEP HER IN A JAAAAAR
AND THEN I COULD SHAKE IT WHEN SHE WAS
MEEEAAAAN
AND THEN WE'D BOTH SAY SORRY
AND THEN... LALA LALAAAA"
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: OMGGGGGGG!!!! U SHOULD T0TALLY RECORD THAT!!!!!! URE SOOOOO AWESOME!!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW THANKS NO MORE THAN YOU BBBZZ AWWWWW GNA GO CRY FOR AWHILE NOW :DDDDDDDDDD xxxxxxxxxxxxxxL
AMAZING FRIEND OF MINE: BUT YOU AREEEEE!!!! ME TOOOO!!!!! :''') <333333333
I apologise if you do not like boring things and you accidentally read all that... I tried to warn you.
P.S. The *s are to hide my AMAZING friend's name cus.... you know... so many pedophile axe-murderers out there read my blog, waiting for me to slip up. But I'm faaar to cunning for them...
Thursday, 17 February 2011
That Chicken. You know the one.
That chicken was suspicious. I don't care what you say, I don't care what anyone says! I was suspicious of IT and IT was suspicions of others of it's kind. The whole experience was entirely suspicious. And it was no ordinary breaded chicken- it was an organized and educated army!
Have you ever hated your French teacher so much that you would like to "tear your arm off just so you would have something to throw at her"? *Listens for response* Me too! And it's only because I'm onto her secret, having found out about her brain eating zombie ways. If she thinks she can throw me off her scent with her enigmatic English accent and her terrifying toupee (another skeleton in her closet), then she's got another thing coming!
Has anyone else ever had that problem where they don't know what to do with their teeth when they're sleeping? You know, when you're lying in bed waiting to fall asleep and then you realise your teeth are clenched really tight and you unclench them but then you don't know where you are supposed to put them- it involves much mouth strainage to keep them sort of hovering apart but you just know you can't go back to clenching them again and then you think to yourself "This is silly... go to sleep" but you are just deceiving yourself because now you can never go back, the experience has changed you- and all you can think about is teeth teeth teeth.... Then when you finally fall into a restless slumber, your dreams are haunted by giant bottles of mouthwash armed with toothpicks and dental floss lassos. I hope you've had that problem because otherwise this is rather embarrassing for me, and perhaps for you- I don't know how easily embarrassed you are.
Could be that you're one of those people who is never embarrassed by anything, even really embarrassing things like falling in mud and having to continue with your school day as if nothing had happened, or headphones accidentally being yanked out of your ipod so that bob the builder is blaring out for everyone to hear, or even asking someone in quite a long winded way whether they have ever experienced something kind of weird and finding out that no, they have not experienced that thing. I envy you because honestly, all of those things would really embarrass me... not that I would be silly enough to let any of them happen to me- just saying.
Have a naaaice February, and many more (which basically means "I hope you don't die between now and next February"... which is true... UNLESS you are a zombie masquerading as a French teacher- Yes Ms Duncan I'm talking to YOU.)
Have you ever hated your French teacher so much that you would like to "tear your arm off just so you would have something to throw at her"? *Listens for response* Me too! And it's only because I'm onto her secret, having found out about her brain eating zombie ways. If she thinks she can throw me off her scent with her enigmatic English accent and her terrifying toupee (another skeleton in her closet), then she's got another thing coming!
Has anyone else ever had that problem where they don't know what to do with their teeth when they're sleeping? You know, when you're lying in bed waiting to fall asleep and then you realise your teeth are clenched really tight and you unclench them but then you don't know where you are supposed to put them- it involves much mouth strainage to keep them sort of hovering apart but you just know you can't go back to clenching them again and then you think to yourself "This is silly... go to sleep" but you are just deceiving yourself because now you can never go back, the experience has changed you- and all you can think about is teeth teeth teeth.... Then when you finally fall into a restless slumber, your dreams are haunted by giant bottles of mouthwash armed with toothpicks and dental floss lassos. I hope you've had that problem because otherwise this is rather embarrassing for me, and perhaps for you- I don't know how easily embarrassed you are.
Could be that you're one of those people who is never embarrassed by anything, even really embarrassing things like falling in mud and having to continue with your school day as if nothing had happened, or headphones accidentally being yanked out of your ipod so that bob the builder is blaring out for everyone to hear, or even asking someone in quite a long winded way whether they have ever experienced something kind of weird and finding out that no, they have not experienced that thing. I envy you because honestly, all of those things would really embarrass me... not that I would be silly enough to let any of them happen to me- just saying.
Have a naaaice February, and many more (which basically means "I hope you don't die between now and next February"... which is true... UNLESS you are a zombie masquerading as a French teacher- Yes Ms Duncan I'm talking to YOU.)
Monday, 10 January 2011
Uh, everyone's probably died in the time between my last blog post and this... but I have an AMAZING excuse.... You understand now? Good, we can move on.
Ahh. I have P.E tomorrow. *Distraught face* As you can see, I am distraught. So... right.
How about I go away and then come back when I have something more interesting to talk about. Or, alternatively, when I have something more interesting to have a good ol' rant about?
Coming sooooon... A compendium of words that should be words but aren't......
Byeeeeeeee, lots of laaaaav
Ahh. I have P.E tomorrow. *Distraught face* As you can see, I am distraught. So... right.
How about I go away and then come back when I have something more interesting to talk about. Or, alternatively, when I have something more interesting to have a good ol' rant about?
Coming sooooon... A compendium of words that should be words but aren't......
Byeeeeeeee, lots of laaaaav
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